š·I pulled out the grocery bag hidden in the back of the closet and threw the unopened envelopes into it.
I shoved the bag stuffed full of unopened bills back into the darkness.
If I canāt see them, they donāt exist.
It was the summer of 2009, I was 24 and I had just left my fiance.
šļøWe had bought a house the year prior, but it was way more house than we could *actually* afford.
But that was February 2008, so we were able to wriggle our way into a mortgage before the collapse occurred that Fall.
šøFor reasons I donāt need to get into, I was left paying for the $1,200 mortgage (plus everything else) on a $2,000 per month salary.
The envelopes I threw into the closet were full of credit card bills and student loan invoices.
I didnāt have the money to pay for them, so why even open them?
šÆSide note, that still didnāt stop me from heading over to Target after work and whipping out the Visa to try to feel a little bit better about my situation.
I spent the summer ignoring my problems and living on coffee and credit cards.
I was just so mad at myself because I had done this same thing with credit cards 5 years prior, and here I was doing it all over again.
š¤Even though my finances were a MESS, I was still obsessed with personal finance and subscribed to all the blogs.
šŗI would watch Suze Orman late night infomercials to learn as much as I could.
š§®I would project out my weekly budget even when it showed a deficit every single week.
I had all (literally ALL) of the tools, but nothing was happening to improve my situation because I wasnāt actually taking action.
I lost 10 pounds that summer because I was so stressed out.
Anxious all the time.
šµāš«Feeling guilty and full of shame that I was ruining my life, financially.
It finally hit me before Christmas 2009 that I just couldnāt do this anymore.
Enough reading blogs.
Enough watching Suze Orman infomercials.
Enough with the tips and tricks - it was time to take action.
So what did I do?
I put the house on the market.
I got a new, better paying job.
I called every creditor and made things right by making a plan to get back on track with payments.
I opened a credit card and did a 0% balance transfer for what I could.
I got a less expensive car.
I did everything that was in my control.
But it wasnāt just thatā¦.
š±I faced my fears.
šŖI took responsibility.
š„¹I forgave myself.
I had been in survival mode, and my actions reflected how scared I was that everything was falling apart.
The decisions I had made were all based in fear - so of course my finances reflected that.
My new decisions were based in forgiveness and grace.
It was more difficult for me, though, because I was alone.
I didnāt have someone helping me along the way, holding my hand, telling me it was going to be OK...
ā¦and this is why I do what I do.
šI know how hard it is to make changes by yourself.
š§±I know the crushing weight of guilt, shame and anxiety.
āļøBut, I also know whatās on the other side:
š©·I know how it feels to be in control of my finances.
I know the hopefulness, the contentment, the excitement.
Iām not only here to help you through the dark parts, but Iām also here to cheer you on as you work toward the good parts.
The parts that light you up.
The credit cards and student loans you pay off.
The homes you buy.
The trips you take.
The cups of coffee you enjoy.
The goals you make and the milestones you hit.
Iām here for it all, because you deserve someone in your corner through the good AND the bad.
Someone who gets it.
Someone whoās been there.
Someone who cares about your success.
A bestie.
Iāve got you, friend.
xoxo,
Caitlin
